Finding Your Voice: ACT-Informed Tools for Assertive Communication

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had plenty of moments in my life where I wished I had found the right words at the right time. Communication is hard for all of us sometimes—it can be emotional, messy and it takes practice to be able to deliver the message you want in stressful situations. Over the years, both in my personal life and in helping others as a psychologist, I’ve learned that assertive communication isn’t about winning an argument or getting our way. It’s about finding a way to speak that honors both ourselves and the people we care about.

Why Communication Styles Matter

We all fall into patterns when we communicate with others. There are four common styles—passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. Most of us shift between styles depending on the situation, our mood, etc. Sometimes we lean on less effective styles when we’re tired, afraid, or frustrated. But with awareness, we can begin to choose differently.

Passive

This is when we swallow our words instead of speaking them. Maybe we tell ourselves “it’s not worth it,” or “I don’t want to cause trouble” or "it's not my place to say anything." On the outside, we look agreeable, but on the inside we often feel overlooked or resentful.

Example: Someone interrupts us in a meeting, and we just let it go, smiling politely while our stomach churns.

Aggressive

This is when we push hard for our needs without regard for others. It can come out as yelling, sarcasm, or bluntness. It may get us short-term results, but usually at the cost of connection.

Example: Someone interrupts us, and we snap, “Would you close your mouth already!?”

Passive-Aggressive

This one is sneakier. We don’t voice our needs directly but instead let them out sideways—through sarcasm, subtle digs, or withholding.

Example: When interrupted again, we smile sweetly and say, “Wow, you always have so much more to say than I do.”

Assertive

This is the middle path. We express ourselves clearly, directly and respectfully, standing up for our needs while also respecting others. Assertiveness is not about control—it’s about honesty and self-respect.

Example: When interrupted, we calmly say: “Hold on, please. I’d like to finish my thought, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”

Tools for Practicing Assertive Communication

Assertive communication takes practice, and sometimes a little structure helps us find our voice. Below are a few tools that many people find useful. You don’t need to use them perfectly or exactly as they are scripted—think of them as training wheels that help you steady yourself as you grow.

“When You…, I Feel…, I Prefer If…”

This script helps us speak without attacking.

• When you… (describe the behavior, not the person’s character)

• I feel… (share your feelings, not accusations)

• I prefer if… (make your request respectfully)

Example: “When you cancel plans at the last minute, I feel really bummed. I’d prefer if you could let me know sooner.”

The Compliment Sandwich (the +/-/+ Approach)

Sometimes feedback lands better when it’s wrapped in care. This approach places the harder truth between two positives:

• Start with something genuine you appreciate

• Share your concern or request

• End with another appreciation or encouragement

This can be combined with the “When You…, I Feel…, I Prefer If…” script to make your words easier for the other person to receive.

Example: “I am so glad we are friends (+). When you canceled last minute, I felt really disapointed, I would have loved a little more notice (–). Thank you for being a safe person I can be open with! (+).”

DEAR MAN

This comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy but is useful for anyone who wants a structured approach to making a request:

• Describe: State the facts

• Express: Share your feelings

• Assert: Ask directly for what you need

• Reinforce: Say why it matters

• Mindful: Stay on track

• Appear confident: Even if you don’t feel it

• Negotiate: Be open to compromise

Example: “When you raise your voice (Describe), I feel really uneasy and cannot think clearly (Express). I’d like you to lower your tone when we disagree (Assert). That way we can actually work out our disagreements in a way that suits us both (Reinforce).” As you are communicating, keep your intentions and values in mind (Mindful), use a confident and kind tone, even if you have to "fake it until you make it a bit (Appear), and keep your empathy up and your ears open (Negotiate).

The Broken Record Technique

Sometimes, even a clear “no” or request for change isn’t heard. That’s when the broken record technique comes in handy. It may feel awkward, but it can be powerful and protective.

Here’s how it works:

1. Say your boundary or request clearly: “I’m not able to do that.”

2. When pressured, calmly repeat yourself. Don’t get pulled into debating, apologizing, or explaining.

3. Keep your tone even—firm but kind.

4. Acknowledge feelings without changing your stance: “I hear you’re upset, and I’m still not able to do that.”

Example: Friend: “Come on, lend me the money—it’s no big deal.”You: “I understand you’re stressed, but I can’t lend money.”Friend: “But I’ll pay you back!”You: “I hear that, but I can’t lend money.” Friend: “You’re selfish.” You: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I can’t lend money.”

This technique is especially important when dealing with people who don’t have strong boundaries themselves. It helps you stay consistent without being drawn into conflict.

Rethinking Success

In ACT, success isn’t measured by whether the other person does what we want. Success is showing up in a way that reflects our values. If my values are kindness, respect and honesty, then speaking kindly, respectfully and honestly is success—even if the other person dismisses me.

This perspective is freeing. It lets us focus on our side of the street instead of exhausting ourselves trying to control what can’t be controlled.

Assertive Communication Is Always a Choice

One more important reminder: assertiveness is not always the “right” move. Sometimes safety, power dynamics, or culture mean that speaking up assertively is not wise in that moment. Choosing silence doesn’t make you weak; it makes you thoughtful.

The key is choice. Assertiveness is most powerful when it’s deliberate—when we pause, check in with our values, and then decide how we want to respond.

And in Closing

Assertive communication is not about winning, and it’s not about fixing other people. It’s about showing up with clarity and respect, saying what matters to us, and making space for others to do the same.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You don’t have to do it every time. But when you do choose assertiveness, you’re taking a step toward living more fully in line with your values—and that’s something worth practicing.

[Lynn Northrop, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist with more than two decades of experience treating adults of all ages and training other providers. She practices in person in San Diego and via telehealth throughout CA and FL. Reach her through the Get In Touch page on her website.]

Assertive communication is about showing up with clarity and respect, saying what matters to us, and making space for others to do the same.