The air in my office has been thick with emotion these past ten days. Many of my clients, shaken by Donald Trump’s reelection, are grappling with profound distress—not only about the state of the nation but also the fractures forming within their own families. For liberal Americans, the political divide isn’t just ideological; it feels deeply personal, especially when loved ones seem to embrace—or remain indifferent to—policies that feel harmful, even dangerous.
As a seasoned psychologist rooted in the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I’ve found myself sitting with clients who are caught between their values of connection and compassion and their own need for emotional and physical safety. If you’re reading this, you may be wrestling with similar struggles. How do you hold onto hope when family gatherings feel like battlegrounds? How do you stay connected to people you love while also protecting yourself from harm?
There are no easy answers. But ACT offers a path forward, one rooted in psychological flexibility, values-driven action, and self-compassion. Let’s explore how you can navigate this painful terrain with courage, integrity, and hope.
The Power of Psychological Flexibility in Divided Families
Psychological flexibility—the cornerstone of ACT—is the ability to stay open, present, and committed to what matters, even in the face of pain. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with loved ones who hold opposing views. It means learning to hold your feelings and values side by side, without letting one drown out the other.
In practice, psychological flexibility might look like this: You notice the anger or hurt that arises when a family member defends a policy you find abhorrent. Instead of reacting impulsively—either by lashing out or shutting down—you pause. You name what you’re feeling, breathe into it, and remind yourself of the bigger picture: your values and the relationship itself.
This isn’t about suppressing your emotions. It’s about allowing them to exist without being consumed by them. Your feelings are valid, and so is your desire for connection. Both can coexist.
Allow Space for Your Pain—and Theirs
Many of my clients feel torn between the need to speak out and the desire to keep the peace. Some fear that avoiding conflict is akin to condoning harm, while others worry that confronting loved ones will lead to permanent estrangement.
The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. What matters is that you approach these decisions with mindfulness and self-compassion. Here’s what that might look like:
1. Name Your Feelings (quietly, in your own mind)
Acknowledge what you’re experiencing: sadness, anger, fear, or disappointment. These emotions aren’t weaknesses; they’re signals that something you care about is at stake.
2. Recognize the Other Person’s Humanity
This doesn’t mean excusing harmful beliefs or actions. It means remembering that your loved one, like you, is a complex human being shaped by their experiences, fears, and limitations.
3. Decide What Matters Most
Ask yourself: “What do I value in this relationship?” Maybe it’s love, a shared history, genetic ties, or the chance to build bridges. Let that value guide your next steps.
Reasons to Hope
It’s easy to feel despair when political differences seem insurmountable. But history offers reasons to hope. Progress is rarely linear; it unfolds through a combination of persistence, patience, and connection. Families have weathered political divides before, and while not every relationship can be salvaged, many can grow stronger through honest, values-driven dialogue.
Hope also lies in the fact that change often begins in relationships. Conversations within families—however painful—can plant seeds of understanding. Even if someone doesn’t change their mind immediately, your willingness to engage with compassion may open the door to future growth.
Setting Boundaries with Compassion
Hope doesn’t mean ignoring harm. Some relationships, particularly those marked by repeated emotional abuse or harm, may require firm boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t an act of disconnection; it’s an act of self-respect and protection. Here’s how to approach it:
1. Be Clear About What’s Harmful
If a loved one’s words or actions repeatedly cause you pain, identify the specific behaviors that cross the line. For example, it’s one thing to discuss differing political views; it’s another to tolerate dehumanizing language or actions.
2. Communicate Your Needs
Use “I” statements to express your boundaries. For example:
“I care about our relationship, but I need us to avoid discussing [specific topic] because it’s too painful for me and it will interfere with our ability to stay connected.”
3. Hold the Boundary Firmly but Kindly
Enforcing boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially with family. Remember, boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not punishing the other person.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Step Away
If maintaining the relationship causes more harm than good, it’s okay to take a break or even step away entirely. This, too, is an act of compassion—for yourself and for them.
The Essential Nature of Connection
Humans are social animals. Even in the midst of division, connection is possible. It doesn’t mean agreeing on everything; it means finding common ground and affirming the relationship’s importance. Here are some ways to nurture connection while respecting boundaries:
1. Focus on Shared Values
Identify areas where your values overlap, such as family traditions, community involvement, or a mutual love for nature or music. Build on these connections.
2. Practice Active Listening
When discussing differences, listen with curiosity. If you feel defensiveness, hold it lightly and try not to let it drive your action. This doesn’t mean agreeing—it means seeking to understand.
3. Engage in Non-Political Activities Together
Spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking, hiking, or watching a favorite movie. Shared experiences can strengthen bonds.
4. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Even if you disagree, validating the other person’s emotions can de-escalate conflict. For example:
“I see how strongly you feel about this, and I want to understand where you’re coming from.”
You Cannot do this without Self-Compassion
It’s important to recognize that navigating these divides takes an emotional toll. Give yourself the same compassion you would offer a dear friend. Self-compassion isn’t indulgence—it’s a vital resource for resilience.
1. Speak Kindly to Yourself
Remind yourself: “I’m doing the best I can in a difficult situation.”
2. Acknowledge Your Limits
You don’t have to fix every relationship or resolve every conflict. Some things are beyond your control, and that’s okay.
3. Prioritize Your Well-Being
Make time for activities that nourish you—whether it’s journaling, exercising, or spending time with supportive friends.
Move Forward with Integrity and Hope
Family divides are painful, but they don’t have to define us. By staying anchored in your values—compassion, connection, and self-respect—you can navigate these challenging dynamics with grace. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You won’t solve every conflict overnight, and that’s okay.
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, pause. Breathe. Reconnect with your values. Ask yourself: “What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?” Let that guide your actions, whether it’s setting a boundary, reaching out with kindness, or simply taking care of yourself.
Hope isn’t about ignoring pain; it’s about believing in the possibility of growth, even in the hardest moments. And growth—like love—often begins in the spaces where we dare to show up, fully human, and imperfectly whole.
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